Night Thought
I feel stupidius idiotius brocholius over my previous post. A not so intelligent post and that is the first ever after 5 years. what a mess you did there ummul. Its funny how it makes you look stupid. Being an adult is really hard. An ups and down journey, struggling with anxiety for uncertain outcome, overthink, under estimate, and all other negative force surrounded you. After few years from my last visit of this page, reading back all those posts that i wrote, i cant help but feel amazed with my old self. How come you can be so positive last time. Especially when i read my internship post, it reminds me of my good old principle, "just do it, dont hesitate, if you hesitate, you wont be able to know the outcome". Compared to today, when i try to take a few steps forward, i will stop, weighing my decision, think about all the possibilities, the outcome, will it favor me or the opposite. Too many questions left unanswered and i pull back the step and here i am, still in the same place, afraid to take new initiative to grow. Shame on you. Just imagine if your past self come to visit you today, she wont accept the way you changed. She wont acknowledge you.
How people change drastically?what makes them change? Environment? pressure? Or , self? I choose the latter. The way you interpret life. Its different how you view life 5 years ago vs today. For the past 5 years, you are not well exposed to the real world, the society, the expectation. You know the outside world from people, you dont experience it first hand. And now you are part of it. Its all about interpretation and how you take it. You are facing, struggling to meet expectation from different level and your mind cannot take burden. I blame myself for being too weak. I miss my strong willed self . I dont know how to change things back , im not even sure whether its a good thing to change back or just embrace the current self and slowly grasp the rhythm and follow the flow.
You know what, sometimes i have this kind of thought " how nice it is to have someone to lead you back to the right track" but my ego wont approve it. Yes, ego. The silent killer. I need a 'mechanism' to tame this wild ego. Just admit it ummul, its tiring to fight alone. Things are not the same like before. Life become harder and harder, said a half part of me. Nope. You cant really rely on others to save you. How would you know they will stay with you forever? said the other half.
Sigh. When this drama is going to reach the end? It will, when you are ready to accept that both sides are part of yourself.
Dont mind me peeps, i just love to talk with myself and that was part of the daily conversation that i had with my own self.
How people change drastically?what makes them change? Environment? pressure? Or , self? I choose the latter. The way you interpret life. Its different how you view life 5 years ago vs today. For the past 5 years, you are not well exposed to the real world, the society, the expectation. You know the outside world from people, you dont experience it first hand. And now you are part of it. Its all about interpretation and how you take it. You are facing, struggling to meet expectation from different level and your mind cannot take burden. I blame myself for being too weak. I miss my strong willed self . I dont know how to change things back , im not even sure whether its a good thing to change back or just embrace the current self and slowly grasp the rhythm and follow the flow.
You know what, sometimes i have this kind of thought " how nice it is to have someone to lead you back to the right track" but my ego wont approve it. Yes, ego. The silent killer. I need a 'mechanism' to tame this wild ego. Just admit it ummul, its tiring to fight alone. Things are not the same like before. Life become harder and harder, said a half part of me. Nope. You cant really rely on others to save you. How would you know they will stay with you forever? said the other half.
Sigh. When this drama is going to reach the end? It will, when you are ready to accept that both sides are part of yourself.
Dont mind me peeps, i just love to talk with myself and that was part of the daily conversation that i had with my own self.
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